cleaning – My Little Country

In life, I have learned that there are some things you should never do.

Never wear white when you eat chocolate. Never wear anything with fringe when you’re on your period. Never eat a “floorboard burrito” (just ask my husband about that). Never roller-skate in a buffalo herd.

But today, I learned a new one: Never wear a skirt to a car wash.

It all started out okay. I went to the new car wash in town, Tidal Wave, because my car was gross. It was far beyond the point of my personal dirt level tolerance and looked like I had a semi-permanent garage sale set up in the back half. They happened to be running a special where you get a month of car washes for the same price as one and I happily took the bait. I always like car washes that do the manual pre-wash before you go through the automatic part and Tidal Wave does that. The auto wash went great and at the end there are those giant air blowers that make you feel like you’re in the middle of a tornado minus the debris. Frankly, I couldn’t believe that my windshield wipers or, for that matter, my windshield itself stayed intact. Yet it did, and I drove over to the vacuum area with a clean (and undamaged) car.

This place provides little towels and glass spray, two kinds of vacuums, and a compressed air blower. I wiped down the exterior and then it was time to vacuum. I had to load up the passenger seats with old mail, six bags of graduation party supplies, a gallon jug of water that is mostly empty, two containers of baby wipes, a Mother Earth News magazine from 1994, and 9,000 random shopping bags because they are very “good for the planet”. I removed the crevice tool vacuum and got done with the front floorboard. Then I realized I needed to step over the hose so I didn’t trip myself and SWWWWOOOOOOOP! I put the vacuum too close to the back of my leg and it sucked up a third of my skirt. Slightly annoyed, not to mention disgusted, I ripped my skirt out of the vacuum and turned, only to find that when I did I had gotten too close to my shirt and SWWWWOOOOOP! there went half of my shirt and about 18 percent of my right boob. As I furiously wrestled with the hose and attachment, I finally freed myself and prayed silently that no one at the nearby red light had gotten a video of me as I was being attacked by an industrial sized Hoover on steroids.

As I continued my cleaning, I managed to suck up the following, in no particular order:

A black straw of unknown origin
Three guava candies
A long-lost can of mixed nuts
A Splenda packet
A crispy wasp who presumptively died of heat stroke
A packet of Taco Bell sauce (hot)
My right boob

The last item listed fell victim to the vacuum because I was attempting to climb up in the back hatch all side-saddle style since I didn’t care to flash half the town if my skirt happened to ride up. I can’t tell you how thrilling it was to try and hang on to a 15 ft long hose with enough suction to rip off my bumper while trying to keep my skirt down AND sliding up sideways into my car, using one buttock at a time. And then, despite me being extremely careful, being viciously attacked on the other side of my chest while trying not to make a scene.

Despite the slight bruising (not my chest…I mean my pride), all in all, I still give the place 5 out of 5 stars. And you can bet your sweet little buttons that next time I go, my skirts will be at home on their hangers. When I got back home and did a little online reading, they do advertise their vacuums as being “high-powered” and buddy, you’d best believe it. We, as a family, know exactly how dangerous vacuums really are. After all, my husband almost lost his vision in a late-night incident with a rogue Bissell a few years back, but that’s a story for another day. Meanwhile, please do yourself a favor and dress appropriately for car washes.

Too bad that breastplates aren’t still in fashion.

Well, this evening Jason was tearing up some stumps and accidentally ripped up our water line. Oops! Naturally, we didn’t have a 1″ PVC cap to fix it with, so ‘Mr. Fixit’ made a temporary plug using a piece of rubber hose connected to a ratchet, yes, a ratchet, all held together with hose clamps. I MUST get a picture of this redneck ingenuity! Unfortunately, it’s dark right now or I’d go snap a pic and upload it. Anyway, you know how it goes…you try to get something done and end up creating MORE work, lol. Then, tomorrow, it’s supposed to be like 40 below zero or something so working with wet sand ought to be a blast.

Well, that’s home ownership for you!

Anyway, I thought it would be kindof fun to give you a ‘favorites’ column here, just to highlight some of my favorite things. I mean, if Oprah can do it, why can’t I? So, here goes:

Favorite thing #1: microfiber cloths.

Have you tried these things? I remember about 9 years ago, my mom and I went to a picture framing association show and they were selling these things for about 6 bucks EACH. Now you can get them at Wal-Mart (in the auto. section) or any automotive parts store for like 12 for 5 dollars or something like that. These things are GREAT. Use them in place of a Swiffer cloth on your floor Swiffer duster or Wet mop. You can stick them on your pre-existing Swiffer floor thingy (not the Wet Jet, though) just like you would a Swiffer cloth. To use it wet, just get some Simple Green or CitraSolv (another fave, I’ll rave about it later), spray a small area on your floor lightly and use your microfiber/Swiffer assembly to mop it up. This is GREAT for touch ups in between moppings, plus you can use them about 4 times each by flipping the cloth over and readjusting it. Then, the best part is, is that they are totally washable and reusable. I use them for; cleaning glass, cleaning countertops and really any surface in the house, dry dusting, Swiffering, etc. I use them in place of dishtowels sometimes as they absorb tons more liquid since they have a much greater surface area than terrycloth. I also keep one in my car for dusting the interior when I’m sitting in a line somewhere. They are just perfect for detailing. Because they are microfiber, they leave very, very little dust behind.

Anyway, I think that everyone should own at least 10 of these things. I know that you’ll enjoy them, too!