Several months ago, I bought a set of soaps at TJ Maxx. Two of the bars were pretty plain; goat’s milk and honey or something similar. The third bar was chock full of chia seeds. I thought it an odd choice, but stuck it in the shower anyway. I regretted that decision almost immediately.

In the past, I’d already banned dark colored soap bars. I found no pleasure in having a shower stall that ended up looking dirtier when I got out than when I’d gotten in, nor scrubbing off charcoal-laced smears and bits that always managed to make their way to every possible surface of our shower curtain and walls. I’d banned bars with coffee grounds and oatmeal bits. After all, I was just trying to lather up my skin, not remove it with tiny, insidious, knife-like particles of things I’d much rather consume for breakfast.

However, chia soap took the freaking cake.

If you are at all familiar with chia seeds, either by once owning a (Ch-ch-ch) Chia Pet or consuming them in your diet, you will know that when you add water to the tiny seeds, something weird and miraculous happens. They turn from a plain little dry seed into a gluey and strange concoction that sticks to any surface it touches. Knowing this, please tell me why the soap makers of the world would ever entertain the idea of adding chia into their bars?

Here’s what went down when I used the chia bar: First couple of uses, no issues. The seeds were well below the surface of the bar. Next use: I unleashed the Kraken of soap additives and found chia seeds EVERYWHERE. They were embedded in my wash rag, the curtain, the walls of the shower, the soap dish, the floor, etc. I need to also add that they look suspiciously like seed ticks which only made the situation more horrific.

Because I am a well-established member of Overthinkers Anonymous, I began to wonder…Will the seeds sprout? When I come back tomorrow, will I have a baby chia plant in my rag? Our shower drain? Even worse yet, WHAT IF a sticky, gluey chia became lodged in a crevice somewhere on my own person and I didn’t know it? I can see it now…

INT. LOCAL HOSPITAL – DAY

My husband waits nervously in an ER waiting room. It is storming outside and he is pensive and silent as he watches the rain coming down. Doctor enters and escorts him to an empty room.

DOCTOR (apologetically): I am so sorry. We did everything we could do for your wife, but it just wasn’t enough.

HUSBAND (weeping): My God! What was it? A stroke? Heart attack? Aneurysm?

DOCTOR (avoiding eye contact): I…I’m afraid it was…Well, we’ve never seen this before…(cough nervously). I’m afraid that she succumbed to septic shock due to a, er, chia seed that was somehow lodged in her urethra. Again, I’m so sorry. Please accept my condolences.

Here, soap opera organ music fades in and then we–

FADE OUT.

Needless to say, after that played through my mind, I chucked the chia bar in the trash. Never again!

In the future, I’ll be sure to be much more careful when I choose soap bars, and I’ll keep the ch-ch-ch-chia seeds confined to sprouting or smoothies, right where they belong, and far far away from my naughty bits.