So, the other day it came time to feed the chickens. Since the kids were in the house, and you know how kids can find trouble in a split second, I ran out to the chicken coop as fast as possible. Unfortunately, some of the chickens ran out as I opened the coop door. Since I didn’t want them to run off and hide their eggs only-God-know-where I tried to round the rogue chickens all up to get them back in the coop.
The chickens didn’t care that I was in my fuzzy white robe, or that I was still in my pajamas or that there was a thunderstorm looming. They just continued to run circles around the coop despite my best attempts to catch them. They didn’t care that the neighbors probably thought I was some pajama-clad whack job chasing down chickens at 9 in the morning.
Finally, I cornered one. It was just me vs. chicken. We stared each other down for a few minutes as we both planned out our attack strategy. I leapt forward, scrambling in the most futile manner, trying to snag any part of a chicken with my hands. Chicken came straight at my face, wings a-blazing. My glasses went flying over my head. Let me just tell you that you never realize how blind you really are until your glasses get slapped off of your face in a split second. I froze, not wanting to smash my $300 pair of glasses (no matter if I got free frames, inevitably, my glasses would still cost $300 for whatever reason). Everything looked like a big brown blob as I gently patted the ground looking for my glasses. Bear in mind, the kids are alone in the house and a storm is approaching, and now it is starting to sprinkle and thunder. I curse the chicken with the best words I know how. It is probably the first time I have ever cursed at my poultry. I made a 3 foot radius with my hands….no glasses. I am suddenly struck with the thought of Velma on ScoobyDoo, screaming her famous line, “My glasses! Where are my glasses?!?” and I come to completely sympathize with poor Velma and that it most certainly is NOT funny, not even in the least bit. I feel terrible for ever making fun of Velma losing her glasses. It also occurs to me that it’s a darn good thing that the Mystery Gang didn’t pack heat, because if they had, Velma would have rained down a hailstorm of bullets on the monster as soon as she DID locate her glasses. Yes, it is THAT frustrating. Now I am nearly on the verge of tears, angry with my stupid genes for giving me this stupid, crappy vision and mad at the stupid hen for losing my stupid glasses. Then I remember I have an ancient pair in my car.
Shuffling so as not to crush my lost spectacles, I run to the car as I am now getting soaking wet in the rain and throw on my old pair. For those of you who have glasses, you will sympathize with me when I say it was like walking in the old Casa Magnetico house at Six Flags, or trying to walk after drinking a fifth of whiskey (I wouldn’t know personally, just a guess). I ran, sideways, back to the coop where shortly thereafter I found my dumb glasses, about 4 foot BEHIND where I had been standing in the initial assault.
Chicken: 1, Amanda: zero
2 thoughts on “Local Woman Assaulted by Chicken”
OK. I’ve laughed so hard I have a stitch in my side. I can just seeeee you. That happened to me once when bees attacked me. Didn’t know which to worry about more – being killed by bees or stomping on my glasses – which I positively could NOT see! Lost them on your mother’s bed the other morning and nearly had to call for emergency help when my hand patted them. Pathetic.
I remember about 10 years ago when I had JUST gotten a new pair of glasses, a bumblebee flew in between my glasses and my eye. Of course, they went flying off and chipped the bottom of them. Murphy’s Law.